The last day in Amsterdam, after my dad had already left on a plane for Russia, (Dad travels a lot–perhaps inherited…) I checked out of our hotel and wandered down through the red light district. Amsterdam’s red light district is as much about tourism as marijuana or prostitution these days; it’s full of gift shops and restaurants as well. I decided I wanted to visit the old church, since I hadn’t visited any of the churches in the city. When I reached the dome of the building, I ducked down an alley to get to the entrance and discovered that while the church lay immediately on my right, the wall to my left was full of glass windows and behind them, sex workers. The ladies were varying shades of brown and most were probably overweight; their curves were restrained and exposed by elaborate lingerie, their makeup was greasy and thick. They didn’t bother to wink or pout at me, but when a crowd of Italian men passed they all responded. For a moment, I stared transfixed. Sex work is probably safest and most ethical in Amsterdam of all places, and still I found myself somewhat uncomfortable and depressed. After a moment, I turned the corner and went into the Olde Kirke.
The church was under elaborate restoration, and full of workers and scaffolding, but it was really a treat.



That’s a boat, of course!

The stained glass windows mostly had religious pictures, but this one was the guilds that financed the church…




Yes, that’s a windmill on the gravestone. The entire floor was just gravestones–hundreds of people were all buried inside the church. There was nowhere else to walk.








There was a modern art display going on in the church. With naked people in the drawings, of course.

This Madonna is “Our Lady of the Inland Navigation Guild” (Didn’t you know there was one?). The crest and motto are explained a little further on…

My favorite part were the misericords (choir stalls). Each one depicted a different proverb or moral lesson, or occasionally just something random:

“The man who drinks slowly is happy and free.”

A symbol of the Binnenlandvaarders (inland sailors). Their motto is ‘Al nut’ and ‘Al nyet’: money is useful, and money is worthless in the face of death.

The binnenlandvaarders’ ship. Signifies “rowing against the wind”.

I can’t figure out which this was from looking at the pamphlet. It does remind me of Monty Python, though.

“Der hond in de pot vinden”–finding the dog in the pot, or being late for dinner. Important moral lessons!

“Twee zotten onder een kap”–”Two fools under one cap”.

Probably a portrait of one of the people involved in the production of the stalls…

“Gapen tegan de oven”–”Yawning at the oven”, don’t try the impossible.

Two men fighting, a warning against wrath.

“Hij zit tussen twee stoelen”–”He is sitting between two chairs”.

According to the brochure, “het geld groeit me niet op de rug”–”money doesn’t grow on my back” although it seems more obscene than that to me.

Speaking of. “Aan een zwak touw moet men zachtjes trekken”: “pull carefully on a weak rope” is the proverb, but the illustration shows another way you shouldn’t meddle.

Probably someone involved in the production process.

Same. And, goodness I love the sunglasses.
This is all from about 1480-1500… The sculptor is J. van Huisstede. Fortunately, these were saved from the iconoclasm because they could be folded away. These are only some of the wonderful, fascinating, and charming carvings–if you are ever in Amsterdam, you should go see the rest.
What struck me most about all the art in the Olde Kirke is that it reflected awfully worldly concerns for a church. But then, Amsterdam is known for worldly concerns.
